Meghan Markle has literally nothing to bring to the table (Image: Netflix)

With what at first blush appears to be piercing self-awareness Meghan Markle today told the world she is all about “taking something pretty ordinary, and elevating it.”

However, for once, Meghan wasn’t talking about herself. And that is not a sentence you can use every day.

No, the failed royal was pushing her forthcoming Netflix cooking-and-fannying-about show, which I keep reading is “long awaited”. Long awaited by who exactly? Who are these people pining and counting the days for the eat-your-own-face-off tedium of yet another Meghan Markle failed commercial venture?

A cookery show – good God. And here was you thinking the childrens’ book was the last refuge of the truly vacuous celebrity. Anyone remember The Bench? Meghan’s dire attempt to corner a piece of that very lucrative market which was dutifully savaged by any critic worthy of the name? A book one reviewer said seemed more targeted at “needy” parents rather than young children?

Nope, me neither.

Dire, desperate stuff.

Though to be fair dire, desperate stuff seems to be the cornerstone of the Sussexes’ business plan.

And Netflix have got to salvage something from their $100m dollar deal – a deal clearly drawn up in a fit of mass corporate insanity.

You can almost hear the desperate cries of Netflix senior management in the boardroom: “What have we done!? Can anyone, anyone, think of anything we can get these talentless morons to do?”

A brief pause, then.. “Well boss, there is always the celebrity cookery show…”

And so on 15 Jan the world will be bestowed the gift of a “cookery” show called “With Love, Meghan.”

God, even the title makes you want to stick your fingers down your throat.

And the trailer is even more cringefest. It takes disingenuous to a new level.

Almost every clumsy, hamfisted scripted line takes on a hilarious double meaning to anyone even faintly aware of the Duchess’s lifestyle choices of the last few years.

“This is about connecting with friends…” says the royal wrecker who treats family members the way the rest of us treat termites.

Really? Because it feels rather more like a desperate bid to salvage a dying Harry and Meghan brand.

“We’re not in pursuit of perfection..” she adds with fabulous prescience.

But I think my absolute favourite line, for its utter delusional hubris is: “I had to do it totally wrong to do it totally right.”

No love, still totally wrong.

The big question of course, for anyone who cares, say like Netflix shareholders, is just who is going to watch this tedious predictable drivel?

Meghan remember did not learn her culinary skills at the Paris Cordon Bleu institute and has literally nothing to bring to the table.

She’s just a retired actress and fantastically entitled wife of our favourite errant royal. A bored rich girl looking for her next paycheque.

After the humiliating failure of her Spotify podcast and the legal quagmire her, er, jam-making business American Riviera Orchard currently finds itself in she desperately needs a win.

This is not it.

I leave the final analysis to Bill Simmonds, Spotify’s head of podcast innovation and monetisation who labelled Harry and Meghan “grifters” after their $20m, multi-year deal to make podcasts with the streaming platform came to an end after just 12 episodes.

He said: “You live in f*cking Montecito and you just sell documentaries and podcasts and nobody cares what you have to say about anything unless you talk about the royal family and you just complain about them.”

Me? I’d be giving Bill his own Netflix series.